Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Another meme!

Andrew of Love, Honor, and Dismay tagged me to do this meme. It is 5 things about me you didnt know......so here goes..

#1. Fun Person - I seem to have a gift with relating to people. I think it is because I genuinely care about people. I have always had tons of friends who I have stayed close to all my life. I may not talk to them for months at a time but we know when we see each other again we will take off right where we left off the last time we seen each other. Even my ex- husband has now become my friend! For years we fought (he drank) and after the divorce I was content to go my own way. Now we are older. And believe me when I say it is truly just friendship. When he had a slight stroke last summer( if you remember in a previous post), I let him come to my house to convalesce. When he started drinking again I said "adios". Out he went. Since then he has quit on his own. He hasnt had a drink since this past August. Now he comes to my house and spends a couple days at a time. ( He lives about a half hour away from me.) He would love for us to get back together, but that isnt going to happen., but there just is no way I can shut him out of our family. So every couple weeks he loads up his dog and he comes and stays with Mom and I for a few days. I love him like a brother. My Mother says it tickles her to see how he is now compared to how he was back then. Now he would make a good husband, but when we were younger I rode the rapids with him. And now I am not looking for a husband or even interested in having one. I would rather have a friend.

#2. My Oldest Son -Just so you wont think my life has been all peaches and cream I will tell you something not many know. My oldest son is 37 years old. He is addicted to drugs, has been for a long time. I have been through hell with him. I dont know when America is going to wake up and see what these drugs are doing to our kids, I have tried everything I know to do..rehabs, psychiatrists, sending him away to live with my brother so he would be away from his friends. In the end, the drugs won. After many many years of beating myself up, I realized I am powerless. Nothing I say or do will matter. We always think its someone elses kid, we never want to think its one of our own. I can personally tell you it can destroy you. For a long time I couldnt look at his baby pictures because it hurt too bad to remember how precious he was and how much I loved him, and how good of care I took of him, and now I watch him abuse his body so badly. Sometimes he will come here and sit and talk to me and its almost like it never happened. Then he will come another time and be high on something and his words cut me like a knife. He does not do street drugs anymore, he has found a Doctor who keeps him on methadone. Im not sure what the meth is all about but he is like a zombie at times. I could not begin to tell you the tears I have cried over him, the heartbreak I have had, the guilt that I must have done something wrong when I raised him. I have been through it all. He has been shot twice. Thank God he was not critically injured either time. What do you think it would do to you to get a call that your son is in the hospital with a gunshot wound? I can tell you what it does...it rips you apart. You dont think you can survive this merry go round your life has turned into but you have to because you have 2 other children that need their Mother. And if you have a child on drugs, I have no answers for you. You have to pray and try to hang on to your sanity. I dont know why I am telling you this. I have told you all the good things about my life, but I have to be honest and tell you I have been through a nightmare too. I handle it much better these days....he is an adult. He has made his choice. The fact that he is much better behaved about it does not hide the fact that I know he still does it. If you would meet him you would never guess. He is a great looking kid with a great personality. He is my son.I love him very much. And now I will take a much needed break. I will finish these tomorrow. Please say a prayer for my son. I would so much appreciate it. Talking about this always upsets me, I dont know why I did it, other than maybe I needed to.

#3 Tap dancing - I took tap dancing lessons when I was young for one reason...I wanted the tap shoes! I didnt care to be in the recitals or any of that. I just wanted those shoes! Of course you werent supposed to wear them outside but I loved the noise they made when I walked, I wore mine outside. Remember when they used to put cleats on shoes? I always wanted cleats. My Aunt is 8 years older than me and she had cleats! I wasnt allowed! Now I dont think they even make cleats anymore but if I ever find out they do...Im getting some!!!

#4 I worked in an Office - My Father owned a trucking company. I worked as a dispatcher for 12 years in the office. I enjoyed my job. I also did the loads and totaled up for payroll. Then when my Father died my brother took over. My Aunt (who passed away 3 years ago) worked with me. She was the secretary and I was the dispatcher. My Aunt retired and that left me. My brother then brought his wife into the office. Thats when I left. I worked with her for 1 year. My friends had bets on how long I would be able to work with her. When I left I had no job to go to. I didnt care. Thats when I really started working at being a caregiver. I had had a part time job as a caregiver 3 nights a week before i quit the office. Ash was a cheerleader and the extra money always came in handy. Cheering was expensive.But after I left the company I knew I had to make a living somehow and 3 nights wasnt going to be enough. Thats when I started getting into caregiving seriously.I have always had jobs since then. I think in total I was out of work for 2 months. Right now I have 3 jobs going. I am only working on one of them because of my Mother. I cannot leave her and go off to work. But I have girls who have worked with me for a number of years and I always accept jobs because I know the girls need jobs. I go in and set the job up and it usually runs like clockwork. I could not do it if I didnt have good people working with me. The girls are dependable and trustworthy and very good with the elderly.

#5- I enjoy being independant - I think I grew up when I got a divorce.I got married when I was 19 years old. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. I didnt work while my kids were young. When I got divorced I had a mortgage payment and household bills. For someone who had handled nothing on her own that was pretty scary. I still had a daughter in high school. I have to say I eased right into it. I started making decisions and I didnt question myself. I managed to pay my mortgage off and keep food on the table. Thats not too bad for someone who was a spoiled brat all her life. I didnt always make the right decision, but at least I didnt have to listen to anyone bitching at me either. I learned as I went along. I wish I had had this independence when I was younger. I like it. Its a good feeling.


Chana said...

i went and dirtied my rugs afterall..guess you know which voiced won eh? lol..

the meme is beautiful. your heart is spread all it's words, specially about your sons. i'm so sorry. i don't think they have any idea the hurt and sorrow they cause others. they think it's all to themselves so they can choose what they do. of course we will pray for him. nothing is impossible with God. one day your son will come back and he will be free of his chains. how much your heart must ache, i send you many kisses.

i have experienced many miracles in my life. i believe in them. you just keep on hanging on to Faith.

Anonymous said...

My heart just bleeds for you and your son. My kids are my life and I don't know how you do what you do and not go crazy. I have a son who is twenty seven and should anything happen to him, I could not go on living.

Autumn said...

Thank you for being so open about yourself. I know that is hard to do for anyone much less on a blog where everyone can read it. I saw myself in some of your answers. My ex and I are similar to you and yours. We divorced after a 25-year marriage still Love each other to death but can't get along. Him and I do for each other all the time and my husband and I eat dinner with him more often than we do at home it seems like (read some of my back post for more on him and I). He had a heart attack in July and I stayed with him for several days until he got back on his feet a bit.
As for the kids. I have two. My son doesn't have much to do with me. High resentments from the divorce still I think. He (the son) drinks a lot, and does some drugs. We don't talk about it. My daughter is a single mom and works as a dancer in a bar...so I have the been there done that tee shirt too.
I never wanted to tap dance or worked in an office unless you count temp work from time to time, but I did have to grow up when I got a divorce. Heck I'm still growing up. Life's struggles are what make us stronger and it sounds like your one strong lady. Great meme.

Kat said...

I took tap and ballet for the same reason! I wanted the shoes! Thank you for sharing about your son, there is nothing you did or didn't do that made him pick that path, as you know, my daughter started down the same one. Hopefully, she's turned around but only time will tell.

EZ said...

hey catch
I know what a fun person you are, that's what keeps me coming back to read your blog!
I guess our experiences help to make us who we are. Good, bad and ugly.
I will keep a lookout for those cleats!!
My youngest brother is in DPC at this moment, waiting to see what facility he will be sent to. 3 DWI's within a 10 years time. He also has a crack problem, the system does not even know this. He has lived with every member of the family(all of us trying to help him get straight) we could not make him want to do it. Yes it is very painful. It is up to him now. We have quite a few boozers and pill freaks in the family, so Christmas shing ding isn't as cool as it used to be. Lots of fights, and I lock my purse in the trunk(how sad it that). I love them, but refuse to let them take me down with them.
ho ho ho ;) color me happy!

Tina Dray said...

Catch my heart goe's out to you you are a trully wonderful person.

going through such heartbreak you still find the time and energy to post witty posts makeing us all smile and visit our blogs leaveing kind and caring comment.

I feel privilaged to have got to know such a warm funloving person.

take care catch!

Christine said...

I can feel my eyes misting up, it just breaks your heart, and I know what you mean about not being able to help them, or have control over something! I'm sorry about your son and the choices he's made. We have an Aunt who's in her 40's and still making some bad decisions, but they are all her's no matter who she tries to blame.
You are truly a wonderful caring person, who I'm so glad I've gotten the pleasure of reading and getting to know.
Your fun,warm and caring comments just make my day start off right!
Here's a big CyberHug for you!
Have a good rest of your day!

Mimi said...

I am so sorry to read about you son. I empathize with how you feel. I worry about how my son will turn out. Sometimes it does not matter how great we do as parents. We can only hope that they take what we taught them and put it to good use. Sometimes that hope comes crashing down and it breaks our hearts. But I know you were and are a wonderful mother and he is damn lucky to have you!

Useless Man said...

I go to an office everyday. But work? Well, that's a bit of a stretch...

:P fuzzbox said...

I know it was hard to talk about your son but I hope that by talking about it you will see that many understand and you are certainly not alone. I wish your son the best. He will need it and so do you. Take care.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Catch, I am so sorry to hear about your son. Hopefully one day he will beat it. I can only imagine what you must have gone and are still going through...

On another note, I think you should make a tap dancing video for us to watch :)

Betty said...

How difficult it must have been to share about your son. I will pray for him.
I joined dancing for the shoes also.

Dr.John said...

I am sure you are not responsible for the way your son turned out. I have worked with so many families where one of the children ended up on drugs, or worse killing themselves. Most of these families had other children that turned out well. Each one of us is responsible for our own destiny. Your son choose his path. The good thing is you have continued to love him.
On a lighter note I never wated tap shoes and I never could dance. I had preacher's feet.

Gary said...

I am glad you don't really blame youself for your son's problems. I am also glad you aren't bitter about your ex.

I'm sad, though, that you don't want another husband. We would have made such a wonderful couple.(just kidding.)

Your writing about taps reminded me that when I was in high school I wore taps on my cowboy boots just because I loved to hear the sound they made when I walked through the halls. I am kind of surprised no one ever made me remove them. They were really loud.

Thanks again for this meme. It really was a wonderful post. One of the best I have read in a long time.

Allen said...

1 I knew

2 is too painfully close to my journey with my youngest

3... how cute

4 I knew too, somehow. I'm not sure how though.

5 doesn't surprise me at all

Phats said...

Have a great thanksgiving Catch!

zingtrial said...

Hi,Hope you are keeping well my friend,So sorry about your son.But you are doing well my friend.Thanks for sharing.
Wish you well

Andrew said...

I'm sorry to hear about your son. That must be one of the worst heartaches anyone can go through. So far so good in that regard on my end, knock on wood.

starbender said...

Catch- that was beautiful!
I'm soory about your son! Life certainly takes a toll on us. I also know what it is like to be co-dependant. I lost the love of my life to Crack!!! I have his 2 beautiful children, I thank God for them everyday!
Here's to hoping life improves!
God Bless U hon!

: )

Anonymous said...

Taps! Cleats! I love those metal clicky sounds! I have them on all my shoes--loafers, flats, mid-heels, boots of course, sandals. If you want some, let me know (how large--inches long), and I'll mail some to you. A shoe repair guy should be able to put them on for you. I even have horseshoes, but mostly half-moon taps from 1" to 2 1/2" long. I would love to help you get back into them. I'm about the only person I hear wearing them! I've had them on my shoes since high school, in the early 90s.

Heather (tapgrrl on ebay)