Quotes

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was notpleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, butfine against a wall."-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. Ihave since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw thatstatement.-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a goodending; and to have the two as close together as possible.-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential foodgroups:alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasantform of misery.-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.-- Mark Twain

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.Then it's time for my nap.-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you.-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.-- Phyllis Diller


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