Saturday, August 05, 2006
I was thinking.....
Since the big blow up with the X I have been thinking...most people have some idea of what it is to have an X and isnt that a sad thing. You people out there who are blessed with a happy marriage are so very lucky. I could not imagine having a husband who I could depend on , who I could share thoughts with, and who I could have fun with. He was never there. So now, when he wants to talk to ME...I try to be kind but the feelings are gone. He has made me what I am.....a strong woman who can take care of herself. But at what price?
I value my independence....I put in a lot of hard years to achieve it. Im happy with my life now. Its the calmest it has ever been since I was growing up at home. The years with the X were very turbulent to say the least. So you might ask why I didnt leave him sooner.....and I will tell you why....it wasnt because I didnt think I couldnt live without him. It was b/c when we married I took vowels to God. And I wanted so much to be able to uphold them...even if it was destroying a little bit more of the me everyday. And it did just about destroy me.....I developed agoraphobia...I developed phobias...I needed to get away from the man I married. And yes I was afraid..I had 2 kids still at home. I was afraid I wouldnt be able to care for them financially...I knew my Father would take care of us as far as food and house and all that, but I wanted to be the one to take care of us. And sometimes after I paid the bills I had 12 dollars left out of my paycheck. That was scary! And through all of this turmoil my Father was dieing. The one person who had always been my strongest supporter in every way he possibly could was leaving us.
I wanted to be the one to take care of him....I wanted somehow to repay him for everything he had done for me. I wanted him to know I loved him and appreciated every thing he did for me. While he was on his deathbed he arranged for men to put a brand new roof on my house and install a new furnace. He was tieing up the short ends, and it was breaking my heart. Thats just the way he was with me....he always made me feel safe. So I had to make him feel safe...I wanted him to know God and not be afraid. My Mom always went to Church but Dad didnt and that bothered me. I ask him one day if he had ask God to forgive him for his sins......he said...I talk to God a lot these days....(I felt better) .But when he ask to be saved I was thrilled b/c then I knew where he was going. And I knew he was at peace. And so was I, he wasnt suffering anymore and I took the very best of care of him. And I have to thank my friends who helped me so much with my kids during that time.
Did you notice when I talk about life with my X somehow my Dad always enters into the picture? I believe that is b/c it was my Dad, who took care of me and my kids and made sure I had what I needed and felt safe. I never felt that from my husband. After all those years of dating...I still did not know who he was...but I learned real fast.
When the kids and I would go on Dads boat for the day..X never went.....when we had picnics at the cabin....X never went. After a while I didnt want him to come...I had a better time without him. When my Father was dieing the X said to me....let me be here for you, let me help you through this.... I said...you have never helped me through anything and I dont need you now. I have outgrown you.
So now he wants to be around me and the kids.....he wants to take me shopping....he wants to be my new best friend. And its meaningless......I was kind enough to let him come here after his stroke, with the exception he not drink....but you know, he just couldnt do it...he had to drink.....so of course that was that. He was outta here. He is alone...he doesnt see the joy of our grandchildren, the cookouts, the dinners at each others houses. When you dont have time for your family when they are growing up dont expect them to call on you just because your getting older. It wont happen.
You gals who have a man that is into his family and shows his love, you are the lucky ones! A lot of us have never known that. And I think thats why my family is so important to me, I would do anything for my kids. And when I see my son Ben playing with his kids and loving them I am so greatful b/c he didnt learn that at home. His father was not into that. I am very happy to be with them, and I know its ok now. No more worrying about an idiot coming home in a drunken rage. I have done everything possible to give him the chance to be in his kids lives, but I will not disrupt my life for him. I did that long enough.
So yes, I can take care of Mom, my house, my vehicles...whatever. I can take care of it all...because I was married to him. And I am thankful that God gives me the ability to do it.
Lets Talk.. Catch at 12:33 PM