Saturday, August 05, 2006

I was thinking.....


Since the big blow up with the X I have been thinking...most people have some idea of what it is to have an X and isnt that a sad thing. You people out there who are blessed with a happy marriage are so very lucky. I could not imagine having a husband who I could depend on , who I could share thoughts with, and who I could have fun with. He was never there. So now, when he wants to talk to ME...I try to be kind but the feelings are gone. He has made me what I am.....a strong woman who can take care of herself. But at what price?

I value my independence....I put in a lot of hard years to achieve it. Im happy with my life now. Its the calmest it has ever been since I was growing up at home. The years with the X were very turbulent to say the least. So you might ask why I didnt leave him sooner.....and I will tell you why....it wasnt because I didnt think I couldnt live without him. It was b/c when we married I took vowels to God. And I wanted so much to be able to uphold them...even if it was destroying a little bit more of the me everyday. And it did just about destroy me.....I developed agoraphobia...I developed phobias...I needed to get away from the man I married. And yes I was afraid..I had 2 kids still at home. I was afraid I wouldnt be able to care for them financially...I knew my Father would take care of us as far as food and house and all that, but I wanted to be the one to take care of us. And sometimes after I paid the bills I had 12 dollars left out of my paycheck. That was scary! And through all of this turmoil my Father was dieing. The one person who had always been my strongest supporter in every way he possibly could was leaving us.

I wanted to be the one to take care of him....I wanted somehow to repay him for everything he had done for me. I wanted him to know I loved him and appreciated every thing he did for me. While he was on his deathbed he arranged for men to put a brand new roof on my house and install a new furnace. He was tieing up the short ends, and it was breaking my heart. Thats just the way he was with me....he always made me feel safe. So I had to make him feel safe...I wanted him to know God and not be afraid. My Mom always went to Church but Dad didnt and that bothered me. I ask him one day if he had ask God to forgive him for his sins......he said...I talk to God a lot these days....(I felt better) .But when he ask to be saved I was thrilled b/c then I knew where he was going. And I knew he was at peace. And so was I, he wasnt suffering anymore and I took the very best of care of him. And I have to thank my friends who helped me so much with my kids during that time.

Did you notice when I talk about life with my X somehow my Dad always enters into the picture? I believe that is b/c it was my Dad, who took care of me and my kids and made sure I had what I needed and felt safe. I never felt that from my husband. After all those years of dating...I still did not know who he was...but I learned real fast.

When the kids and I would go on Dads boat for the day..X never went.....when we had picnics at the cabin....X never went. After a while I didnt want him to come...I had a better time without him. When my Father was dieing the X said to me....let me be here for you, let me help you through this.... I said...you have never helped me through anything and I dont need you now. I have outgrown you.

So now he wants to be around me and the kids.....he wants to take me shopping....he wants to be my new best friend. And its meaningless......I was kind enough to let him come here after his stroke, with the exception he not drink....but you know, he just couldnt do it...he had to drink.....so of course that was that. He was outta here. He is alone...he doesnt see the joy of our grandchildren, the cookouts, the dinners at each others houses. When you dont have time for your family when they are growing up dont expect them to call on you just because your getting older. It wont happen.

You gals who have a man that is into his family and shows his love, you are the lucky ones! A lot of us have never known that. And I think thats why my family is so important to me, I would do anything for my kids. And when I see my son Ben playing with his kids and loving them I am so greatful b/c he didnt learn that at home. His father was not into that. I am very happy to be with them, and I know its ok now. No more worrying about an idiot coming home in a drunken rage. I have done everything possible to give him the chance to be in his kids lives, but I will not disrupt my life for him. I did that long enough.

So yes, I can take care of Mom, my house, my vehicles...whatever. I can take care of it all...because I was married to him. And I am thankful that God gives me the ability to do it.

16 comments:

Gingers Mom said...

Wow, Catch, you have been through so much. I am so lucky to have such a loving and involved husband in my life and my kids. I am a lucky one.
Everything happens for a reason. I am so sorry you had such a terrible marriage, but look at the stong, happy independent woman you are today!! It is inspirational. I have had such a wonderful father and a wonderful husband I often wonder if I COULD take care of myself.
Even through it all, it is again impressive that you can maintain even a cordial relationship with your ex. You seem like such a kind and caring person. They are all lucky to have YOU

boneman said...

Talk about silly-assed opposites...
my x told me in no uncertain terms, she didn't need me, didn't need m'money and it would be better if I was dead.
'Course, she had her rich parents t'lean on fer cash and extras and such.
She absolutely demanded that I not get any time with m'daughter and that she would not let us bond no matter what.
Of course, I could have dragged it into a fight, I reckon, the courts would have backed me up, but, what of m'daughter?
So, I did as x asked.
Didn't go see her, got no word on her recitals till they were history, and, yes, remembered the vows taken and thinking that as long as x didn't go out with other men, I couldn't either.
When seven years ghad passed, I was given the diagnosis of a possible brain tumor. It turned out t'be minear's disease. (dang VA!) but, before hearing what it had turned out t'be, I got invited t'see m'daughter at x's sis's house, and, dang! YOU BET!
Got t'see her, talk with her, took her a drawing pad that was almost as big as her! It was fun till x found out that it was minear's, and at the drop of a hat, she was in the car, dragged daughter along and gone.
Got a call a couple days later blaming me fer the mis diagnosis.

Mind ya, this from a woman who was told by her doctors she wouldn't make it t'thirty, and, not only did she surpass it(we met when she was thirty) but is now a year older than I....

So, quiet I was, out of the way, out of mind.
Wanna talk about emotional mess?
Dang!

When her parents passed away, suddenly she called out fer some money. And help.
I gave what I could, did what I could. Anytime, everytime.

At m'daughter's graduation party, which I was invited to, at the end, when I went t'my daughter to say good bye, she put out her hand and said, "Good bye, Berry."

So, I guess x won, eh?
I'm beaten, tossed away like so much trash....
and, still, what makes me the most sad?
Two things....
#1 and most important, she stole her daddy from her. No daddy horse rides like x got, no picnics like x got t'go on, no adventures with daddy.
#2 how in the name of heaven did I think those vows were worth anything t'anybody?
I have neither slept in any other bed other than mine, nor been in anybody else's bed. Not spilt seed with any but the x.....

And for what did I keep m'vows?

So, talk about silly-assed opposites, eh?

(Not t'mention, too much information, eh?)

Pixie said...

Wow Catch, good for you for coming out a stronger person.
As for the X well seems like its too little too late!

Lori's Minute said...

Well, at least I am glad you remembered why you divorced him. I had the same problem with my first marriage, did not want to disappoint God and my vows. He never did anything with my family or friends....

Now I have a great guy a first expereience, I thank God every day for the 13 years I have been with the 2nd hubby.

FRIDAY'S CHILD said...

It's good you have a dad who is so wonderful and supportive. I just can't think of how would feel if this happens to me. I don't know if I could take it.
Hello! I'm here from Dr. John.

Chana said...

it is kinda of scary how much our stories sound alike. maybe it has to do with the fact that bad mates and bad relationships all sound the same. they all lacked in the basis. the basis of trust, respect, care.
i'm sorry for you and for those kids. thank God they had you. and you did both the father and mother job, anything to make sure they got ahead and came out sane and happy. good for you.
sometimes we end up farthest of where we hoped and dreamed when we were hoping and dreaming.
the vows to each other and God mean so much. i don't still understand why not all can see that. how and why it is so easy for some to do wrong and cause heartache. the body is weak and the soul sometimes weaker.
but you and i are suvirvors. we are and have the joy of knowing that our kids will have a chance of the future. and best they know that we are in their corner and will forever accompany them through life and they will never be alone.
pat yourself in the back and like we know, the nice side of the X will surface again but it won't be for too long. the other side comes out just long enough to remind us..

good job in what you have done. Thank God that your father was so kind and loving and such a good father that you had his love and support. i thank him all the way in heaven.

sleep peacefully my friend, knowing that you are a great mom and grandma.

Andrew said...

Those are some significant insights. Many of my readers write to me with similar issues in their relationships. You've obviously had to deal with some stressful stuff.

To Love, Honor and Dismay

s-hooks said...

You did all you could, and thank God for your father. He was your angel, wasn't he. I'm so glad you can take care of yourself and your mother now that she really needs you.

A marriage that honors God will always be blessed.

:P fuzzbox said...

Your dad was a great man. And it sounds like the legacy of caring that he passed on to your son is one of his biggest accomplishments.

Catch said...

kristin: sometimes its REAL hard to be cordial...lol

Boneman: Wow, she sounds like a real Betty Crocker! You have been through a lot Sweety...I wish you the very best!

Pixie: its all water under the bridge now..thank goodness!

Lori: Im glad you got a good one this time!!! You deserve it!!

Fridays child: Thank goodness for my Dad. I dont know what I would have done w/o him.

Chana: thank you dear friend....we all deserve to be happy.

Andrew: stressful wasnt the word for it!!!! But its over with!!!!!

S hooks: I enjoy having my Mother live with me.

Fuzz: thank you Fuzz...and yes I do believe he may have got that from my Dad.

Mimi said...

Your dad was such a special man. You may have been cursed with your husband. But you were blessed with your family.

I believe we can't find the right person until we are independent. I am sorry your marriage did not turn out as you hoped. But it made you who you are today. I understand what you mean about the vows. Sometimes I wonder since Durk already made those vows to someone else, his divorce meant nothing.But I know GOD meant for us to be together. I hate country but I like the words to the country song "God Bless The Broken Road That Lead Me Straight To You". Durk and I would not have met if he had not been married before and he would not be the good husband he is today. I also think that we find love when we aren't looking.

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah,LOL!

I will stop now! Love ya!:)

Michelle said...

Ugh, sounds like our xs really did/do have a lot in common :( Mine didn't drink, that wasn't what would set him off...he was just jealous and possessive and that was all it took!

I think it was easier for me to "finally" leave because we didn't have kids together, although I still felt like a failure for not making the marriage work, but everything happens for a reason. I was meant to be with my current husband and had to go through that bit of bad patch first.

You have been through so much and have come a long way it sounds like. You ARE a strong person and you should be proud of yourself for picking yourself up and just knowing you are a wonderful person.

Shelli said...

Good for you, Catch. You are a strong woman. You came through a lot to get where you are and it only strengthened you. Your dad must be so proud of you.

Catch said...

Mimi: Even though I have never met your Durk I think you two are good together. And Im sure you keep him amused!!! lol. And hes lucky to have such a beautiful wife. And thats the truth!!

Michelle: Im sure after the first one you really appreciate this one. Had I been younger when I finally divorced I might have met one of those too! But I didnt and obviously thats the way its meant to be. Now I dont want to go thru any bullshit with any man...my life is very peaceful...and I do exactly what I want. Mine was also very jealous...you to accuse me of all kind of things...Im glad those days are over and Im sure you are too!

Sheeli: I am sure he is proud of me...and it wasnt easy to get where I am now. Took a lot of hard work.

Christine said...

WOW, Catch what a beautiful post!
Your father sounds like he was a very loving and caring person. Someone you could count on. Now a days, a woman needs to be able to support herself. I'm trying to teach my oldest daughter to be very independent, because you never know. If something were to happen to my husband I don't know how I'd manage without him. And even though we have our disagreements time after time,( and it's always over the same things),I know in my heart I'd be lost without him. I'm so inspired and happy your father was saved before he passed, that's wonderful.
How happy you'll be when you see him again in heaven!Take care!Hope you had a great Monday!

Overwhelmed! said...

Catch, my heart aches for you reading this post. You've given me a glimpse inside, just past the positive, fun-loving face that you portray to the world.

I have no doubt that you are stronger in spite of, and because of your rocky relationship with your X. I'm only sorry your independence and your strength had to come at such a price.

I'm very blessed to have one of the happy marriages you speak of and I thank God for that. My parents didn't and now, after 39 years of a struggling marriage, they are divorced. I hope they are happier apart than they were together.

Like your son, my husband also had a father who wasn't a very good role model, and yet somehow Oronzo ended up being the world's best dad! The way he interacts with our son and loves him intensely just makes me want to weep sometimes (with joy).

I pray that someday soon you find the love that you deserve. Until then, I'm glad that your family means so much to you and showers you with love.