Thursday, April 27, 2006

~ What is the secret? ~


I would like to know what is the secret to a happy marriage? I really would like to know ~ because even though I was married for better than 20 years ~ I never figured it out. There are a lot of people out there who are married who dont know the secret. They are just like I was...coasting along trying not to rock the boat.

And you can tell the ones who know the secret ~ you can tell by the way they communicate with each other. I wonder if they know how lucky they are?

I would think you need several things to have a successful marriage....( 1) being respect for each other( 2.) of course you love each other ( 3.) trust in each other (4.) would be communication. And I ask myself "why did I miss the boat on this?" well......it takes two....one person can not make a good marriage alone. My X and I were never friends....he had his friends and I had mine. He was not really an affectionate person, he is more so now when its too late. And it wasnt entirely his fault ~ Im sure I wasnt the perfect wife. I got tired of putting up with a drunk. But I did try...for a lot of years...and then I decided it would be better to live alone than be miserable.

And when he was sick last summer...I let him come here and live to recuperate. He had a slight stroke and was very depressed and had to get off the booze....he did it for 6 months. And then he went back to it....he has been more faithful to a bottle than he ever was to me. I didnt do it because I still loved him ~ I did it because he is my kids father and I wanted to see him be happy for once in his life if he could be. And for that 6 months we probably did more talking than we ever did . And when he started drinking again he knew he had to leave.~ and I knew that I did all I could to help him. I guess thats the caregiver in me.

So for all of you who have a mate and a friend...be thankful! I am very content in my life now....its peaceful and I am happy with my friends and family. I have no interest in trying again. Been there, done that. Im thankful for what I have now. Its the only way I know.

11 comments:

Dick the Boomer said...

I think your list sums it up well. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you but I guess in a way it did because now you're happy and content.

kristi said...

The perfect marriage starts with a couple months of bliss, you are so in love at first, then you are followed by years of nit picking and griping because you now realize what the other one does to irritate you. Then the rest of you marriage is you just dealing with one another because it is comfortable and why mess up comfort!!!
No really I hope I find out the secret of the perfect marriage, I have a good one now and I want to keep him around for a while. Maybe you have to fail a time or two with relationships before you can succeed!!!
I just give you credit for taking him in, sounds like that Movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman. That is what she does in the movie, takes in the X when he is sick and then he drives her nuts

:P fuzzbox said...

Fear of Angry Joyce. That's what keeps me happily married. Seriously though, I waited to get married til I was ready and found the right woman.

It was good of you to take him in when he was sick. I don't think that I have that big of a heart.

Catch said...

yes Dick....I am quite content now.My Mother lives with me b/c her health is failing but I call this place the frat house b/c her and I have a good time! lol

kristi...and like the mad black woman he did drive me nuts! lol. After all this time he is set in his ways and I am set in mine.

Im glad your happy Fuzz....you are very lucky. A lot of my friends said they wouldnt take their X in ..I guess I realize I am a lot happier than he is and maybe I felt a little guilty for it, but we all make our own beds.

Joe & Karen said...

Hi Catch, My secret is deciding everyday that I am going to stand by Joe, and he does the same. Through all our challenges, I do believe it is a decision. Sometimes we communicate very well, sometimes its a fight, but we choose everyday to make it thorugh together, and believe me, we remind eachother that we are not letting the other go when we are having a really bad day and want to run. Also, we laugh, at forgetting already if we've been married 3 or 4 years, what year Joe was born (I can never remember) and Joe can never remember my middle name... We choose to laugh rather than be offended.

Mimi said...

I think maybe the secret is different for everybody since everyone is different. Durk is my best friend and I think that is what makes us have a good marriage. We both came from bad relationships (he was married and I was engaged to my high school jerk of a boyfriend) and learned the hard way. So now we don't let little things bother us(he is better at that than me) much and we just enjoy one another.We totally trust and rely on each other. If someone told me he was cheating I would laugh and never believe it unless they had pictures. And even then I would wonder if they were fake. We don't fight much and if we do it's usually stupid and when one of our parents are around, which I hate.

I am glad you had the courage to get out of your marriage. I am glad that you are happy the with your life as it is now. Whether you are looking for love or not, that is the best way to be!

Catch said...

You and Joe have already been through so much together Karen...and just by reading your posts I can tell that you cling together..he worries about you and you worry about him. I think laughing together is so important...you are so good for each other.

Mimi...how could anyone be unhappy living with you??? you are like the sunshine!!!! the essence of Mimi comes right through the computer! what a delight!

Joe & Karen said...

Dear Catch, Please don't take Joe's post to heart. We are having a different take on God right now, it was an email from our sister-in-law that was what offended Joe. Everything you have said has come from the heart, not preaching what we should believe or do in our situation, that is the difference. I treasure your words of comfort~ Please do come for a b-b-q, Joe would laugh as I am going to make sure everyone brings bubbles for Jack!

Joe & Karen said...

A wonderful friend at that you 'ol broad :) Thank You Catch.

Mimi said...

awww Catch! Your the best! I wish we could get together! It would be so fun!

Overwhelmed! said...

Ah, the secret to a long and happy marriage. Next Wednesday Oronzo and I will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary, so I don't think I'm qualified to answer this question. It's a question I asked many people before getting married myself.

Oronzo and I have been together for 9 years, yes it took us 5 years of dating and a year of engagement before getting married. We had rough patches before during that time and I almost gave up and left Oronzo but together we made the decision to go to couples counseling and work at our relationship. That's the best thing we could've ever done! He was able to let go of some of his baggage from his first marriage & divorce, as well as his childhood, and I was able to let go some of my baggage from my childhood.

We had a beautiful wedding in Ireland and it was the perfect beginning to our marriage!

Now, almost 3 years later, I love him even more than ever. I consider him my friend, I enjoy his company, I accept his quirks and faults (as he accepts mine), I trust him, I love seeing him being such a fantastic father to our son, and I hope that we have many many more years of happiness. I intend to work on our marriage to do what I can to ensure that and I trust that he will do the same.