Sunday, December 10, 2006

A FUNNY


This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.

This story won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant l egs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, , when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat hissed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

21 comments:

starbender said...

hahaa, definately a christmas 2 remember! Mine aren't THAT exciting!
: )

starbender said...

by the way, I luv the little santa kitty, she is adorable!
' ]

Gingers Mom said...

That was a really funny story. Wherever do you find these silly things, CAtch?

Shelli said...

roflmao! That was hilarious.

smileymamaT said...

Oh that was just the funniest story ever!!! Thanks for sharing it!
-T

Autumn said...

Oh my gosh, I really needed a good laugh. That was priceless, thanks for posting it

Phats said...

Duct tape is the best right?! haha funny story

NMOTB said...

OMG that was so funny, I can just picture it!!!!!

Michelle said...

I haven't seen this one in a few years - it was just as funny now as it was the first time! Thanks for the laugh this morning!

Anonymous said...

Where do you find this stuff??????????

Bluepaintred said...

i was going to laugh about the funny funny story but I was distracted by the mention of a santa kitty...why dont I see this? I want to see a santa kitteh!

Christine said...

That is hilarious. Sounds like a Christmas I'd never forget, the family would be taling about it for years.
Thanks for the Monday Morning laugh.

Remiman said...

Catch,
That story is hilarious. I can see myself blowing cranberry sauce out my nose as my chair flips over backwards and roflmao!
I'm definitely reading this to the family Christmas eve.
rel

beadinggalinMS said...

That is hilarious Catch!! Thanks for the laughs this evening. :)

Dr.John said...

What a story.Glad I checked your blog today or I might have missed it. The images it paints are just so funny.

EZ said...

LOL-this is just too funny, you can really come up with some doosies!!

:P fuzzbox said...

That's a great story.

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